Monday, February 29, 2016

What a PEACE?!

"It's a journey. Peace is something you do on a moment by moment basis." ~ Sam Baez

I'm here to confess. 

I haven't been sitting on my bench at all. In fact, I've been running around like a crazy woman with my hair on fire. I've lost my cool. I've stomped around and complained. I've cried myself to sleep - and I've given up.  It's not pretty, people. Not pretty at all.

Writing this isn't very fun either. Usually writing is my outlet and my "happy" place. I show up, write a little something (som'n som'n as we say in Texas) and go back to the regularly scheduled programming of my life. But my heart HURTS. And I need to just get it out.

For the last year, there have been so many things happen that I thought I could somehow just push down, ignore, let go and rise above. If I just pushed on - if I just kept moving, then everything would just magically work itself out. I could just "work" my way to the other side of the valley. 

So I started building. Just like the book told me not to. I didn't sit on the bench - except for a few weeks in the fall. I started building and ignoring. Guess what? It didn't work. I smiled and laughed. I built some pretty great stuff in my head. I got a lot done on the outside. I kept up the facade of it all. And I never stopped to sit down like I said I would.

But, here I am staring at my bench covered in cobwebs. And I miss my bench. It's a great bench - where I know God wants me to sit and just be still.

I've realized that I've trained myself to only be a "do-er". In fact, I've done such a good job of being one, that everyone in my whole life expects it of me. It's almost like I'm a circus performer. If I'm not doing something, saying something, or making something happen, then I must be angry, disrespectful, rude, or uninterested. Or - even worse - I'm NOT doing something on purpose. Somehow me not doing something is actually DOING something to someone. Do you ever feel that way too?

I think I'm guilty of putting these same feelings on others too. I think I've taken others not doing something as somehow doing something against me. Sheesh...all this doing and not doing is exhausting. We build up all these expectations of each other - but we don't bother to let anyone know that the expectation exists. No user manual is handed out - Emily Post didn't write us each a book to hand to those who we spend time with. I've had expectations of others just to DO something, SAY something. I tried to lead the movement to get up, hurry, run, talk, shout, move, DO..... When I guess really I should have just sat on my bench and focused on the peace I said I wanted. So, if I've done that to you, I'm sorry. Because believe me - I have done it to myself and others have done it to me - and it's not fun.

So. I'm here to confess.

I haven't been sitting on my bench. I haven't been living up to everyone's expectations - or even my own. I've kinda given up. And I need to go back to my bench. It's time to find the peace that has eluded me. As the old hymn says "take everything to God in prayer". 

(You're welcome... and it's "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" - because I KNOW you're singing the tune and  trying to figure out which song it is.)