Friday, May 2, 2014

Ouch - that Smarts!

“Time is but the shadow of the world upon the background of Eternity.” ~ Jerome K. Jerome

Well, it's been a week today. A week since my father in law passed from this life into the next. And what a journey it has already been for those of us still in the here and now. I have experienced loss before - but never of a parent. I don't think anyone can prepare you for the exhaustion that comes with it. No one can really explain how bone tired you are after expending so much energy.

Kerry is tired. His brother and sister are tired. His mother is EXHAUSTED. My kids are wiped out. And I've entered cranky mode. Now, don't confuse that with some kind of "anger" phase of grief. I think I can honestly say that we are all thankful that Lanny's suffering was short lived. No one was ready to let go so suddenly - or to deal with the aftermath of that. But all in all, I hope my end is as quick as that.

No...mine is flat out crankiness. Everything everyone says or does annoys me. Those who normally frustrate me might get punched in the throat soon. (Stop laughing. I know the visual of that is ridiculous.) And to top it off, it's MAY. 

Who wrote that stupid line about the merry, merry month of May? Dumbest. Line. Ever. May is crammed full of school activities. Teachers are tired of the kids so everyone is at everyone's throats. There are very HIGH expectations for things to be accomplished. And then if you live in the Texas panhandle, you sit around frustrated at the wind, lack of rain and waiting to plant your garden!

See? Told you I'm cranky.

Nothing is worse than seeing your spouse and children ache either. I find myself just frustrated that I can't make it better. The girls are teary and sensitive about things that normally they would just let slide. Kerry has so much to worry about getting ready for Mother's Day at the flower shop (ps...order your Mother some checking account would greatly appreciate it..) and wedding season is around the corner. So he's busy and hasn't really had a chance to just have a big ol' ugly cry.  The whole thing just stinks. It's no fun. 

On the other side of the coin, I know how blessed we are to be loved. This week we got all these awesome cards and offers to help. It's been so sweet and so comforting to know people care. Truly. And we have really enjoyed the evenings we haven't had to cook dinner - or think about anything except putting on our pjs and crawling into bed. It really does help everyone feel better. Even cranky ol' me...

The grand plan is to go to Red River this fall and have a very private family memorial time. I think that will give the kids the closure they need. And definitely give us all a chance to laugh, cry and just "get over it"....

So, in the meantime, if you see me walking around with a scowl...I apologize. I know I'm cranky. If you slowly approach, carrying a chilton with lime and promise not to ask me if I'm ok, you might escape without me saying something I'm sure I'll regret later. 

I think I'll need to throw a big I'm Sorry party for everyone I've been sassy to lately. Hey! Now THAT might just cheer me up....


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