The Choice is Mine

"That's when you're brave. When there's a choice to be made." 

~ Diana Gabaldon, Outlander

It's been a while. 

I think getting caught up in figuring out who I am now and where my story will take me swept my words away for a bit. And the last recap of my world was amidst excitement and newness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I'm glad I jumped off that ledge and that I opened myself up to new possibilities, even if they weren't what I ultimately wanted. They kept me swimming through this crazy river of life rather than drowning. 

But I have been sitting in the stillness for a bit lately. Just taking a break from my quest to find happiness in my future while I contemplate the past three years. We definitely grow in the difficulty. This week I grew some more when I realized that June may always be a tough month for me. It's the last month of the year when my former life was normal. The calm before the storm began - not to mention Kerry's birth month. My emotions have just been all over the board, and I can feel my anxiety rise as we get closer to July. 

But I did have an epiphany the other night while talking to some friends. All the time I've spent frustrated with God for not answering my prayers when Kerry was sick, I've failed to realize that He was answering the prayer I wasn't praying. The one He knew needed answered but didn't even know to pray: let me make the decision so that I can feel in control of something where I have none. 

I have been SO upset that God made me choose to stop medical care for Kerry at the end. So frustrated that He wouldn't just take him and not make me feel like I had to do the letting go for us both.

And if you knew us as a couple or know me at all, that's exactly what I needed. I needed to be able to gather those around me to help me say goodbye. I needed to find some organization and order to the chaos that my life had become. I needed a plan.

If God had taken him when I wasn't there - or when I couldn't have been firmly planted in what was coming -  it probably would have been so much worse. I just didn't see it. And I've just been too stubborn to acknowledge it until now. That's when my bravery kicked in. When there was a decision to be made, I was able to plan for it. THAT is the prayer that was answered. And my anger has been misguided. 

Today it's overcast, cool, and calm outside. I spent some really quality time with some close friends the other night where we did some good ol' soul bearing, and I came home realizing just how lucky I am to have a boat filled with the best of the best. I'm not sure I've been worthy of them either. 

I haven't shown the appreciation any of my close friends deserve these last few years. I've been so consumed with my anger at God and my sheer determination to be ok that I haven't given credit to those who have held firm and helped steer my boat. 

That changes today. Bear with me - and know that this is a drop in the bucket of those to whom I owe so much. I'm going to name some names here.... and these don't even begin to touch the surface of who deserves my gratitude. I'm also putting them in alphabetical order because... well.. if you've met me....

Cathy - I love you. I love you. I love you.

Doug - The irony of this is that you probably won't even read it, regardless of the fact I'll send you the link. You're the calm in my storm - even when I bet you want to jump ship. But you have extra jewels in your crown for putting up with me, and I love you. As you'd say, "Thanks, man!"

Duane and Amy - New to the list in some ways, and not new at all. What would I do without your authentic love and honesty? Old friends are truly the best friends. Thanks for your love and your love of my family.

Isaac - You know my love for you is strong. 

Kimmie - Oh, the love I have for you. Thank you for not hating me when I crawled in my hole and didn't come out. What would I do without you? 

Lisa - Ride or die. 100%. Thank you. I love you more every day.

Margaret - I do NOT know what I'd do without your unfailing love and loyalty. You can never know how much I love you. No words are even needed here, because you know.

Mindy - Always my rock. I love you.

Pete and Pennie - I miss you more than I'd miss Mexican food if I couldn't have it. Gosh it's been tough to know y'all aren't just a couple miles away. But I love you and am so thankful you are mine. 

Randi - You have let me be awful, terrible, no good, and bratty. And you have loved me all the way through it. I love you and am so thankful for all you've done for me. 

Raquel - You've probably heard me whine the most, and you've held me accountable when I get ridiculous. Who knew living across the street from each other in middle school would be so important? Hola, bestie...te amo!

The Shelleys - Yep... there are two of you. And you don't even know each other. But you are both loyal to the core. I wouldn't make it without you! I'm sure I didn't thank either of you enough in the storm.. but I am now. xoxoxo

Stephen - Without you and your honesty, I think I'd have fallen all the way apart. Being my confidante and my sounding board can't be easy. I love you.

Tiffany - I know I can't be your person, but I sure am glad that by Kerry being yours, you are one of mine. I love you.

Wendi and Todd - Holy crap. There will never be enough time to thank both of you. And my love can't even touch the love you've shown me. But I am here for you as you are for me. *muah*

Today I am grateful. Today I see the sun shining over the calm waters where I've stopped to enjoy some stillness. And today I have let my anger go. I was brave. The choice was made. And I am loved.