So I Did a Thing.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl,

but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Martin Luther King Jr

I went on a date.

Those are words I never dreamed I'd say again, and the details of who, what, when, and where are secondary to the fact that it happened. It was scary. I cried when I got home partly because it felt so unfair to have to go on a date and partly because I had a good time. All the emotions just swept over me - and it confused me. 

But I resolved to being open to another one if asked. I got asked. I said yes. So, I guess I should say I've now been on dates - plural. (Spoiler alert: the rest of this blog will not include any details about the dates.)

So many things have gone through my mind while deciding how and when to blog about this. If I'm honest, I'm still wrapping my head around the whole thing. However, I'll say this: I will FOREVER be thankful to the friend who took a chance when she told me that she had someone she wanted me to meet. Regardless of what the outcome could have been or actually was, she took a chance. She asked the question and crossed the bridge. And if I've learned nothing else about being a widow, I am 150% sure that people are afraid to say or do the wrong thing when it comes to us. 

I'm sure there are a million opinions about what to do when it comes to moving forward and bringing someone new into your life after losing a spouse. If I googled, there are probably thousands of other people offering advice or sharing the experience of how to "jump back in" or "find love again" or even "don't do it". But the reality of wearing widow shoes is that they are your shoes. And there are no two pair exactly alike. Hell, some of us might be barefoot! 

I know I'm okay with moving forward - and my family is okay with it too. My friends are supportive - and I'm in a great head space now. That one small leap gave me the courage to know that I can do it. And I can want to do it without feeling guilty - and that there are men who aren’t going to run from the idea of going out with a widow. (I think the strongest men are the ones who can sit at the widow table! Hats off to all of you boys who do it!)

I do know that there are no easy answers to when or how to make any moves in life - let alone when it comes to matters of the heart. That person who I bounced the most mundane decisions off is gone, and I've spent almost 2 years feeling like a huge burden when I ask others to listen to me hem haw around about choices. It doesn't help that most days I find more questions than answers! So you can imagine how hard this whole dating stuff feels to me! 

I don't know what the future holds in this realm. But what I have learned through this new experience is that I'm still brave. And I'm not as pitiful, depressing, and ugly as I feel sometimes when I'm having one of my bathtub cries. I can laugh and smile with someone - and even feel attractive. I can find someone new attractive and still love Kerry. And I don't have to compare anyone to him or his memory. 

I had the great love of a man who gave me everything he had until his dying breath. And I get to see what the future holds and maybe find another love that will be just as amazing. That's got to be a good thing, right? Lemonade out of lemons, maybe? 

This post certainly doesn't have any words of wisdom or any great epiphany about my future. But it's where I am. I've hesitated to even write about it - and even rereading it feels almost too "surface" for a whole post. And yet.. it's all I've got. I did it. I went on a date.

I did something new. It was scary. I survived.

Story of my life.