Well Loved and Still Living
”When we lose someone we love we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.” – Anonymous
Well, here we are.. on the verge of another month. It's getting closer and closer to the year anniversaries of it all. A year since he got sick; a year since he was put in the hospital. A year since he was on the ventilator. Ugh. I dread it all. Being a year into all of this seems surreal to me. Sadie and I talked about how when we say "a year ago" there will be some who think that everything should be fine now. It's old news. That we should be okay with his being gone. Somehow as we near those markers, my waves of grief are hitting more frequently.
I don't spend all my time wishing him back anymore. And I don't compare events in my life now to what it was like with him here. I just miss his voice and his company. I miss the easy intimacy that being together for so long brought me. I miss how he made me feel beautiful - so I never cared what others thought of how I looked! And I miss the confidence I felt knowing he was behind every decision I made. (Thank goodness I have a council of friends to help me with that part.)
I also think talking about him helps. We mention him all the time. We tell stories and probably make people uncomfortable when we do. But by talking about him, we continue to live. And we feel the love he left behind in everything around us. We aren't going to let him go. We are going to keep him close to our hearts and continue to grow too. We can have both.
This virus stuff has been such a blessing on the grief front too. Sadie has been home longer and able to work through some of her grief among family and friends. She is ready to go back to college, but I definitely think this is giving her a chance to heal. She's working at a flower shop for the summer (something Gracey and I are sure we could never do) and brings home fresh flowers here and there. I think it keeps Kerry close to her in some way. And the flowers in the house definitely feel normal.
We also decided to plant a garden. Here's what it always looks like:
Every April/May, we gear up to garden and beautify around the house. Sadie starts asking about the garden. I start planning as many unreasonable projects I can think of, and Kerry ramps up his energizer-bunny mode of getting things done. I post pics on Facebook, and everyone oohs and ahhs over all his hard work. Then I bust my rump the rest of the summer with weeding, etc. It's a cycle.
So, as we've proven to ourselves over and over since the beginning of this journey, we moved full steam ahead. Unfortunately, we didn't have our energizer bunny. Needless to say we've been winging it, and I'm pretty proud of us! It wasn't easy. It's been stupidly emotional for me. But we did it!
This year's gardening included planting some flowers in the bed out front - and we threw in some Forget Me Not seed that my good friends, the Desai family, gave me. So far everything is on par for veggies and flowers this summer.
I'm also doing some home improvement projects. My kitchen remodel will hopefully get started in a few weeks, and I'm having the brick on the house painted. A few other things are in the works for the fall too. These are things we knew we'd do someday. We just didn't know I'd be doing them alone! It feels good to make some changes and start to own my future. Fear can't keep me paralyzed, and grief is just going to have to weave itself into the happiness I'm determined to find!
Kerry's love is in us and around us everywhere. His friends, my friends, our friends... everyone sticking with me through all of this plays a vital role in our lives. You may not think your text is important or realize that Facebook comment mattered. But I can promise you we are grateful. I think I really stink at showing it, but PLEASE know how much it means to me to not be forgotten.
So, if you find me getting weepy, don't be scared! It'll pass. You can either cry with me or tell me a joke. Both would be welcome. But if you see me laughing as if I have no care in the world, know that it's been hard fought to get there. I am thankful I have been well loved.
And, if you find yourself craving squash this summer.....hit me up. I have a feeling there will be a bumper crop.
I don't spend all my time wishing him back anymore. And I don't compare events in my life now to what it was like with him here. I just miss his voice and his company. I miss the easy intimacy that being together for so long brought me. I miss how he made me feel beautiful - so I never cared what others thought of how I looked! And I miss the confidence I felt knowing he was behind every decision I made. (Thank goodness I have a council of friends to help me with that part.)
I also think talking about him helps. We mention him all the time. We tell stories and probably make people uncomfortable when we do. But by talking about him, we continue to live. And we feel the love he left behind in everything around us. We aren't going to let him go. We are going to keep him close to our hearts and continue to grow too. We can have both.
This virus stuff has been such a blessing on the grief front too. Sadie has been home longer and able to work through some of her grief among family and friends. She is ready to go back to college, but I definitely think this is giving her a chance to heal. She's working at a flower shop for the summer (something Gracey and I are sure we could never do) and brings home fresh flowers here and there. I think it keeps Kerry close to her in some way. And the flowers in the house definitely feel normal.
We also decided to plant a garden. Here's what it always looks like:Every April/May, we gear up to garden and beautify around the house. Sadie starts asking about the garden. I start planning as many unreasonable projects I can think of, and Kerry ramps up his energizer-bunny mode of getting things done. I post pics on Facebook, and everyone oohs and ahhs over all his hard work. Then I bust my rump the rest of the summer with weeding, etc. It's a cycle.
So, as we've proven to ourselves over and over since the beginning of this journey, we moved full steam ahead. Unfortunately, we didn't have our energizer bunny. Needless to say we've been winging it, and I'm pretty proud of us! It wasn't easy. It's been stupidly emotional for me. But we did it!
This year's gardening included planting some flowers in the bed out front - and we threw in some Forget Me Not seed that my good friends, the Desai family, gave me. So far everything is on par for veggies and flowers this summer.
I'm also doing some home improvement projects. My kitchen remodel will hopefully get started in a few weeks, and I'm having the brick on the house painted. A few other things are in the works for the fall too. These are things we knew we'd do someday. We just didn't know I'd be doing them alone! It feels good to make some changes and start to own my future. Fear can't keep me paralyzed, and grief is just going to have to weave itself into the happiness I'm determined to find!
Kerry's love is in us and around us everywhere. His friends, my friends, our friends... everyone sticking with me through all of this plays a vital role in our lives. You may not think your text is important or realize that Facebook comment mattered. But I can promise you we are grateful. I think I really stink at showing it, but PLEASE know how much it means to me to not be forgotten.
So, if you find me getting weepy, don't be scared! It'll pass. You can either cry with me or tell me a joke. Both would be welcome. But if you see me laughing as if I have no care in the world, know that it's been hard fought to get there. I am thankful I have been well loved.
And, if you find yourself craving squash this summer.....hit me up. I have a feeling there will be a bumper crop.
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