A Lifetime isn't Long Enough

"I've come to know that love's not only

The best days or the worst days

Love is the Tuesdays

Yeah, love is the Tuesdays" ~ Jake Scott

I met him when I was 22. He was this polished, reserved guy who wasn't sure what to think of my loud, outspoken personality. (I'm sure my purple dyed overalls and wild, curly hair didn't help.)

I married him when I was 27. He was still this polished, reserved guy who was 100% sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. (I'm sure my long legs, short skirts, and wild, curly hair helped.)

I spent our 22nd anniversary by his side as he came off the ventilator when I was 49. He was still a pretty polished guy who was apologetic that he was in the hospital. (I'm sure my determination to see him get well was zero help.)

Today, on our 23rd wedding anniversary, I sit alone in the home where we raised our family. I sit here wishing there was something I could do to bring him back, even if it's only for a few hours. I need his polished style, his kind heart, his soft hands. I need his arms around me and his absolute love. I need that sure thing. That feeling of knowing exactly where I stand, what he is thinking, and the certainty that I am the priority.

We were really good together. We weren't perfect, and we didn't go through 28 years of knowing each other without some big stuff. But it really did feel pretty easy most of the time. Marriage suited each of us really well. Fights were few and far between. And our level of commitment was high. We were determined to make it work. There was never a moment that I doubted his love for me. (I even carry a lot of guilt that his devotion was so strong. I'm not sure I deserved that kind of love, but I am thankful I had it.)

Just like the song I quoted above says, we knew that love is the Tuesdays. The best days of love are the ordinary ones where everything just falls into place. The huge crescendos are really fun and exciting, but they aren't where you find the comfort of knowing everything will be ok. The decrescendos bring out big feelings, but they don't prove that you're in it for the long haul. It's on the Tuesdays when you are rushing from one kid's event to another or quickly fixing dinner and running baths. It's falling into bed with the exhaustion that only parenthood and adult decisions provides. 

And the ordinary days are the ones when I miss him the most. My heart aches to call him after work and ask what he wants for dinner. My soul cries out for him to call me or text me just to say hi and see what I'm doing. Some days it's just too much. Today is undoubtedly one of those days. 

I am so thankful for all the years we had together. I know that I am truly blessed to have experienced the love we had. It just seems like it wasn't long enough. We didn't get to be old together, and do all the old people things we joked about. (Ok.. that I joked about. He swore he never wanted to be old. Guess he won that argument!)

We raised a beautiful family together and never took each other for granted. We loved with all we had. We were good even when we weren't good. For all of that, I am thankful.

Happy Anniversary to the man who made me into the woman I am today. A lifetime isn't long enough. I'll miss you till we meet again.