I Need a Plan.

“Human beings, like plans, prove fallible in the presence of those ingredients that are missing in maneuvers - danger, death, and live ammunition.” ~ Barbara Tuchman

DISCLOSURE: I know I will have friends who read this who will take all my words to heart and begin to internalize. This blog post IS NOT calling anyone out - or meant to make anyone feel convicted. Again, this blog post is IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY calling someone out or pointing fingers.

Ok. On with my widow musings I must go....

I'm a planner. 

If there's a party to host, I host. If there's a trip to organize, I organize. If there's a get together, by gosh, I get everyone together. I was my high school class secretary, for goodness sake. If you want something done, pick me!

So, imagine that a planner has her life's plan ripped out from under her. The plan wasn't changed - or revamped - or even tweaked. The plan - her life with her husband with whom she has built said plan - disappears. What does she do? How does she function?

I'll tell you.

She freezes in place. She doesn't know what to do. She sort of keeps planning - and she tries to keep on moving. And everyone tells her how great she's doing because they can't see she's paralyzed from the inside out. She's on her little planning treadmill fighting for normalcy and hoping that nothing else changes. But that's the thing about big life stuff - in my case becoming a widow - NOTHING stays the same.

The first year was such a shock that I'm not sure I realized how things like my free time and my social calendar would change when I stopped being part of Kerry and Charee. Then the ugly Covid monster came out and stopped all socializing, so it didn't seem any weirder for me than anyone else I knew. After that, as the world began opening up, I started to realize that nothing will ever be the same. 

Oh, my friends are still my friends. And I'll still have happy hours with the groups of girls I did before here and there. But gone are the days of all the couples getting together. Gone are the days of Kerry and Charee hosting a dinner. And gone are the days when I don't make people feel uncomfortable simply because I either talk too much about Kerry or my weird life - OR I just bring the mood down because my mere presence reminds everyone that my husband died. I'm a reminder that bad things can happen - and you too could be the unlucky recipient of widowhood. You too could find yourself alone on the weekends wondering what to do with yourself and eating alone again.

I know how harsh that sounds. I know that it sounds really "poor me" to talk about, but I'm nothing if I'm not real. So.. there it is. I feel like the ultimate fun sucker simply by existing. The mundane chores around the house now all belong to me. The 'having a built-in dinner decider' is no longer a thing in my life. While I used to come up with things to do with others for fun, now it's often the only way I do anything with others. 

In fairness to my friends, I think when the planner of the group falls apart, it's hard to find a replacement. Having a "connecting" personality isn't something everyone is born with, so it's a big loss. And, even worse, when the planner stops being fun because she's cranky or sad or shuts down, that's horrible. 

Those who have tried - whether you succeeded or failed - at getting me out and about, please know how much I love and appreciate you. Your effort isn't unnoticed. The ones who don't say "call me and let's get together", but instead call first - thank you! I seem to lack much ability at making the first move. 

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my fellow widows. Now I know how badly I sucked at being your friend when you were in this desert. (Maybe not with all of you.. I think I did a damn good job with a couple of you. Ha! Ha!) Thank you for putting up with me and letting me have the bad days, the good days, and all the complaining days in between. Thank you for supporting me while I try to figure out who the heck I am now - and what my future is going to look like going forward.

Also, thank you to my friends who don't hold it against me when I'm ridiculous. Because I know that I am likely ridiculous a lot. 

Anyway, back to the issue of the planner who lacks a plan. It's been a road that I know was paved with tears of others who did this long before I had to do it, and yet it's also my own lonely and scary road. This one is leading to a new plan I didn't ask for, but I know will be good too. It scares me because I know it'll be new people, new experiences, and new growth - all that I didn't ever think would happen.  (Some would say this is exciting, and I don't disagree. But today - it feels scary.)

I tried early on to plan my grief away. I still try that approach pretty frequently. However, it never works. There's no plan for this. And I'm learning to cope with that. It's just a rough thing to do. 

Please know I'm not writing all this down because I want or need anything from anyone. I just hope that by being honest about all of this, someone else will be able to say, "Oh! It's not just me. Others have those same thoughts and feelings." 

And... if that someone needs a friend... I'm here. 

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