Who me? Spoiled?

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are. 

~ Max de Pree

I am a certified spoiled brat.

Raised primarily by a single mother whose father raised her like a son meant that I knew how to be independent and strong from an early age. She can diagnose a car problem with just a short description, and her tool box would have made many men jealous. Don't get me wrong - my grandpa came to the rescue a lot, but she was very handy. And watching her do it all herself made me never want to do any of it. I knew I COULD, but I just didn't want to do it. 

Oh, and did I mention that my daddy did it all too? I might not have lived with him, but I watched him do all the things too. Mowed the lawn, repaired stuff, loaded the van, you name it... he did it.

So, I grew up to be spoiled. I married someone who could do it all. He fixed the cars, painted the house, built furniture, remodeled rooms, ran errands, and thought about what I needed before I knew I needed it. 

It. Was. Glorious.

I never once took it for granted, and I loved him for letting me and my girls reap the benefits of his energizer bunny personality.

Since his death, I have had to relearn (and newly learn) a lot. Don't get me wrong... I'm still spoiled. I have a lot of help, and there's no shortage of people I can call if I need something. But I find myself often thinking, "I can do this. I don't need someone to do it for me." With a little advice - ok, a LOT of advice- and so many phone calls or texts asking "how do I....", I have managed to do things for myself. Granted, I've cried through some of it, but I've also stood back and felt really accomplished when I finish a project.

Last month I repainted my bedroom, trim and all. Billy came over to paint the ceiling - and Sadie did the floor - but I did the walls and trim. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - and I love the color. In fact, I'll be painting a couple other rooms soon. 

This month I repainted my porch swing and and fixing up the porch with some lights and new outdoor chairs. I've called repair people, negotiated sales of items, and put gas in my car for almost two years! That's a record, people. Thankfully I also have an on-call person (or two) who does the things I can't or don't want to do, because I definitely don't WANT to do it all. 

The new version of me is slowly taking shape. As the kids all say, "nothing shocks Mommy anymore". I react much slower and deliberately. I'm slow to anger - and impossible to shock. Surely those are good qualities. Being alone doesn't terrify me the way it did at first. It's not my first choice, and I don't want to be alone forever. But I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm comfortable making decisions and changing things in this big ol' house - not to mention in this big ol' life. 

I've also realized that it really is ok to ask for help. That was never something I had to do, because I had someone do it before I needed it. I didn't have to request help. I just added what I wanted to the list and it magically appeared. (Yes. I know. Spoiled.)

This new me refuses to let life pass by without finding happiness. I've been given amazing children and loyal friends. My family is staunchly in my corner. My job is secure. I have every reason to be thankful for what I have, and I try really hard not to dwell on the things taken from me. No looking back and wishing I could change things for the new me. 

So, as June rolls in and we get closer to the 2-year mark, I am choosing to focus on the things I can fix - literally and figuratively. Spoiled or not, here I go!

If you see me struggling to do something, though, stop and give a girl a hand.... I didn't sign up for this! ;)