I Opened the Gate

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. 

~ Dorothy Thompson

I can always tell when my life goes into a transformational phase, because I don't blog. I seem to go straight to my private journal and don't remember to come share aallll the things I'm thinking that might help someone else. I'm trying to be better about it, so you may start to hear a lot more out of me.

Fear.

The last three years have given me more anxiety than I've had in my entire life. Everything I knew to be true about myself went up in smoke. And while I must put up a great front, because everyone seems to think I've handled it well, I can tell you that it was pure grit that has kept me taking one step in front of the other. (Well - and my amazing tribe... my incredible kids...etc. too!)

I've always kept a cool head in an emergency - and truly felt calm. Now, when something "moves my cheese", I feel this dread in my gut. I think I still roll with the punches, but inside I tremble. My bravery doesn't eliminate the fear - it's just a sign of me overcoming that fear to move forward.

Decisions I used to confidently make without much input now are made with votes from any number of trusted friends. I was always an open book, but I think I'm even more transparent now. I bare my soul to those whom I trust, and I really listen to what they say. And when I jump, I only worry about any consequences that could hurt those around me. It's worth overcoming the fear to see what could happen.

But then, my sense of spontaneity is at all time high. Quick trip planned a day, a week, or an hour in advance? Sign me up. I almost never say no to an adventure because it's an escape from the loneliness and drudgery that settled in after that first year of sheer avoidance.  

I might have to plan everything out in most areas of my life - but I've become the girl who always says, "Ok, let's do that!" when a good idea floats by.  (Oddly, I wrote about some of this year ago too. You can read that one HERE!)

Last month at brunch in Dallas my friends and I bought tickets to a concert just because we could. Not the first time I've done that in the last couple of years.. and it always gives me that thrill of something to look forward to.

We celebrated my daddy's 80th birthday a couple of weeks ago, and there's a sign hanging in their house that says, "Live like someone left the gate open". That's my new plan - every day. And I anticipate there will be some shaking of heads and misunderstandings about what the heck I'm doing along the way. But I just have to live.

That's all I've got today. I know this is much shorter than my normal discourse, but I hope it inspires someone to take a leap. I know I've got my jumpin' shoes on.