The Write Stuff

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

~Maya Angelou

Are you good at keeping things to yourself? Not necessarily bad things - just anything?

I'm not. I suck at it.

I'm an open book and always have been. If I think it, I say it. If I feel it, I share it. If it happens to me, I tell the world. But somewhere along the way, in the last few years, I've found myself not wanting to share as much. I've tried to hold things close for fear of losing more of myself than I can spare.

Most of what I've kept to myself wouldn't probably matter to anyone else. Or if it did, I'm sure that interest would fade quickly. And unburdening myself feels a little bit like walking outside with no clothes on. (If you know me, you know that is literally the most terrifying thing that could happen.) I've also found the satisfaction in having thoughts and moments that are mine alone.  It's like keeping a little surprise inside you - not something I experience very often being the loud mouth that I am.

I've been reading back over some old journals I kept when I was young(er). A friend from church got me hooked on journaling in 9th grade, and I've really never looked back. Until college, my daily routine almost always included writing down my thoughts right before bedtime. 

Once I graduated from high school, I didn't have as much time - or didn't take as much time to do it - so the entries became less frequent and probably a lot less detailed. I hit the highlights and moved on.

Recently I've revisited some of the older ones and cringe at my lack of maturity or my single-focus mind of youth. (There's nothing like a teenage or young adult journal to remind a girl how stupid she was about boys. Wow. Just wow.) And Gracey has given me an amazing idea that I plan to work on over the next few months. (It's a surprise.. don't ask.) Anyway.. my journals remain a huge part of me and how I process things.

I've used a million different methods of journaling since then. Notebooks, looseleaf paper, phone apps, journals with prompts - I've tried them all. And I've got so many that have a few things in them - then months of nothing. But since Kerry died, I've found a rhythm that would make no sense to anyone else. I have one that I handwrite about my sadness that I only use every so often. Handwritten journaling is so much slower, and it always gives me a chance to really feel. The tears can flow while I write, and I still have time to stop crying before I finish the entry.

The 'new' stuff I've experienced has been more electronic. I get on my computer and just type it all out. The exciting, scary, weird, or even bad new experiences make their way into my file. (Funny story - I got paranoid and put them into a .dmg file that is password protected. Forgot the password...so a lot of that material is probably gone forever. Typical me.) It's quicker, and usually even the complicated feelings I pour out through my typing is a stream of consciousness that helps me process the situation and reach a conclusion. 

And the stuff I think would benefit someone else goes here onto my blog. Sometimes this blog has pieces of the others, but not always. There are just some things I want to keep for myself - at least for now.

Speaking of that - do you ever have something you want to share but you just want to keep if for yourself a little bit longer to keep that magic or feeling or whatever intact? You don't want to spoil it by shouting it out, so just keep it? Those are REALLY hard for those of us who bare our souls. 

I'm in one of those places right now. Things in my life are shuffling around and feeling different. I want to make some changes and take some chances - but I'm just not ready to talk about them yet. I want to hold tight to this new energy until I know it's right to share it. Somehow it just feels so right while it's safely tucked away from the world and outside stress. So, I'm just going to savor it a bit longer.

I hope you can spend some time today thinking about things you haven't shared with anyone - or maybe with only a few. If they are hard things, I hope you find a healthy method for getting them out. If they are exciting things, I hope you savor them before you share them. I know I am.